UHNW and HNW WOMEN: THINKING ABOUT A NEW RELATIONSHIP? WHY ARE YOU LETTING ANXIETY GET IN THE WAY

facets of you – UHNW WOMEN & MENTAL HEALTH

THINKING ABOUT A NEW RELATIONSHIP?

(WHY ARE YOU LETTING ANXIETY GET IN THE WAY)

Join today’s conversation on why you as an UHNW or HNW Women are thinking about a new relationship. That you are giving serious thoughts to dating again. To find someone new who wants you for you.

You are an affluent woman. You are shy or an introvert. Perhaps with low level autism. You live in an affluent home. You live an affluent lifestyle. You have weight fluctuations. You have dietary impulses. Yet for whatever reason you now want to be with someone who accepts you for you. Warts and all.

Falling in love can be great, but it can also be... Complicated. Shambolic. Embarrassing. Then there is that constant worry of “When do I tell them about…?” Quickly followed by the ‘How do I tell them about…?” YOU as an UHNW or HNW Woman having Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder (OCD) and Intrusive Thoughts.

More than one in three people with a mental illness has felt that stigma stopped them having a relationship. It then follows that what is going on in your mind can get in the way of things in the bedroom, but…

(Q) When should you bring up the mental health issue that you have? (Now?)

(Q) When is the right time to bring up the mental health issue that you have? (Now?)

(Q) How can you talk about mental health when you meet someone new?

In addition to this you also have intrusive thoughts that are a big part of many mental illnesses, including anxiety disorders like OCD, but…

(Q) What are they?

Client: Sofia

Sofia: As an older, single, wealthy woman people naturally assume that every thing in your life is great. You have no worries. The problems of a rich woman are nothing in comparison to that of a poor woman. When it comes to love and to mental health that is not true. Yes, I have a beautiful home and beautiful clothes and people make this assumption that I have many beautiful and wealthy friends and everyone is having sex and having a great sex life. Going to lavish parties and having sex. Flying around the world and having sex. Having sex in the bathroom. Having sex in the jacuzzi. Having sex on the beach. Having sex anywhere and everywhere. No. That is far from the truth. At least for me and the small number; I can count them on one hand, of other rich women that I know. I have not had a sexual partner for several years. I have fancied a few men. I felt a connection inside but the feelings became overwhelming in a not so good way every time that I was near that man. So I could only admire from afar. Really afar. I do not like to be in places with large groups of people that I do not know. I do not do small talk and I am not really chatty with strangers. I depend a lot on introductions through trusted friends as I very rarely go out socialising on my own. If I go out on my own it is to meet a friend who is waiting for me at a restaurant that I feel comfortable at. Or at their home. Somewhere neutral and non threatening.

In the past I had a couple of partners who got fed up with my ‘antics’ and thought that I was completely mad or retarded. The thing is, if you do not have an outlet where you can freely express yourself, you get frustrated and angry. Since I have been diagnosed I have been very open with my inner circle of friends. As I am an only child and my parents are no longer here, my family members are distant relations who only want to know me for my wealth. So I definitely do not confide in them or have any close contact with them. They are avaricious.

I admit that there are days when I see a couple, around my age group, walking along the avenue and what is going on in my mind is “Why can I not be with someone like that, someone who is happy to be with me?” It makes me feel sad and empty for a while. I have to live with these feelings plus the anxiety and the intrusive thoughts all the time. Sometimes I beat myself up mentally. Sometimes I feel incredibly horrible.

My intrusive thoughts can come at any time. My intrusive thoughts are mostly built around the idea that I shall either do something horrible to someone else; someone who has hurt me in the past, or, I shall do something horrible to myself. Sometimes I do not think very much of myself. I do not have a partner at present who emotionally supports me but I have close friends that I can talk to.

My anxiety in the past has made my relationships challenging. One intrusive thought that has plagued me in most areas of my life is the feeling that I cannot stop stammering at intimate and romantic moments in a relationship. Stammering at a meeting, or in a public environment like an airport, that was the worst experience that my anxiety struck me down with. The thoughts not only made me think that physically it was going to happen, but that it did actually happen. The intrusive thoughts try to stop me dating. So with my friends knowing about my mental health situation I knew that I could rely on them to protect me from the scoundrels and once in a while make introductions to me in an environment where I did not feel threatened. I was able to get a sense of where that person was character wise and emotionally. Quite quickly actually. Over the years and several introductions later you meet people and you can quite quickly tell if that person knows about mental health issues or not. You know some people use the words, ‘crazy’, or,’mad’ or some other derogative term and you catch on quickly as to what kind of person that they are in private company. So that being what it is you are 100% sure that this person is not worth getting to know. This is not going to go to another date. So there is not a need to engage further conversation with that person. I can finish whatever I am eating or drinking. Make an excuse for a meeting for the next morning and leave.

I make sure that whomever I engage with on a romantic and sexual level knows about my anxiety. For me it is not possible to engage with sex with someone and not feel like, or be able to feel that, I can trust them with this important subject. This aspect of me is a part of my identity. I do not see how anyone can think about having a physical relationship without overcoming the conversation regarding the mental health part of your life.

Client: Elizabeth

Elizabeth: My OCD condition was becoming to be somewhat noticeable, so I felt it was important to bring it up with my partner. In OCD my actions and thoughts take a slightly different form. I obsessed about them. I ruminated about them because they felt so real.

Partner: I was told that Elizabeth had some anxieties by someone close. I could also tell that the fact that she was not talking to me about it meant that at the time, that she was not comfortable about our relationship.

Elizabeth: My behaviour was not changing for the better in the new relationship. So finally we sat down and I said “Look, I have a health condition. I have OCD. It is an issue in my life.” It really was and is an issue in my life and it was so nerve wrecking to bring up the subject. I did not know how to bring it up. The best way to talk about it. But once I had brought it up I felt a huge sense of relief come over myself because I could see that my partner at least could see where I was coming from. Truly, it was not easy for me. No amount of wealth puts the right words into your mouth when you open up yourself bare like this to someone that you hope understands what you are going through.

Relationship Counsellor & Sex Therapist

Relationship Counsellor & Sex Therapist: The thing that we in society have to dispel here (to some degree) is that individuals with any kind of an anxiety disorder, or where people with mental health are looked upon as having no feelings and not being able to have sex, is that they can have sex, they do have sex and they are able to enjoy sex.

We have several sexualised behaviours around us. This includes a lot of sexual images impacting upon our senses surrounding us. Yet when it comes to the individual, or the couple, I never cease to be amazed at how difficult it is for some of them to talk about it. Face to face in real time.

As a Relationship Counsellor and Sex Therapist people have this misguided idea that as professional counsellors we have an abundance of sexy photos or sex items in the office. Not so. Also, people misunderstand what sex therapy is.

One of the things that I am witnessing is that people are actually getting to the sexual part of a relationship much much quicker than is necessary. Definitely before they have even arrived to the point where they know the person. So the train of thought follows that if I do not know the person that I am with, how comfortable might I be about sharing the mental health issue with her/him.

Plus, if I were going to give a client top advice for entering into a relationship, a sexual relationship, when they have anxiety this is what I would tell them. It is very important that you try and understand what your anxiety is about. You may not know what your anxiety is to its fullest extent and that in itself needs to be shared with the person that you are seeking to enter into a sexual relationship with. I think that once you have a measure of understanding yourself and your illness a little bit more, it makes sharing that much easier.

If you feel that you want to have sex before you arrive at your third or fourth date, consider saying something to the other person before you have sex. If you do not say anything you could spoil an otherwise potentially good relationship. It is understandable that you want a ‘normal’ relationship. A loving relationship. That you are missing the romance of touch, a hug, holding hands, a gentle caress. People need to be touched, They want to be touched. We all grow through touch. We feel connected through touch. Individuals with mental ill health will have good sex lives, if they wish it for themselves.

Client Insights

As Sofia and Elizabeth have explained to me and to you, that your mental health, plus dating, plus sex can be hard to talk about they have shared some insights to help you if you resonate with their mental health situation.

Elizabeth and Partner

Elizabeth: If you do have a mental health problem and it impacts adversely upon you and your relationship, then you should share your experience with that other person and a close friend. Do not keep it to yourself.

Partner: I have to be and I want to be understanding to whatever she is going through. It is my role in the relationship to support her, give her space and not add any pressure to us as a couple. One day at a time. Living each moment in the present, in the best and supportive way possible.

Elizabeth: When you trust someone enough and you feel comfortable with them, I think that this is around the right time to enter into your first sexual embrace. As a woman, for me in this relationship, I was consumed in the thought that I might get pregnant. The thought preoccupied my mind that it became a real concern for me. I was so convinced that it would happen. Eventually being open and brave enough to broach the subject with my partner brought much clarity and a level of tranquility to my thoughts and feelings, through my being able to share the things going on in my head and how it was making me feel.

Sofia

Sofia: In all honesty, when you meet someone new that you like on the surface, then realise that the introduction or the early stage relationship is not going to be a long term union, then I would not bother mentioning it. There is no point in putting yourself through it. I would not even consider having any kind of sexual experience with such a person. A waste of energy. A waste of time.

On the other hand. If you find yourself in a situation where you like the direction that the relationship is going and think to yourself “Oh, this is perfect, I feel good with this person and this could really work out,” then I would be more willing to confide in her/him and begin to tell them of the illness.

If there is one thing that is worse than stammering in a meeting it is stammering when you are trying to have sex with someone. Whenever I got into a situation where I went home with someone I would panic and the stammering would start whenever someone was being romantic with me. I would feel so embarrassed of the situation that I would end the situation as quickly as possible, because the harder that I tried not to stammer, the more the stammer would be insistent in happening. Sometimes it was a great way for finding out who the scoundrels were who only liked you for your money and friends. They would be gone. They have such a high opinion of themselves that they would avoid your telephone call apologising for the evening or afternoon. They would start showing interest in someone else who was not too much of a hassle to be with. But once in a while you would meet someone and really want things to happen but it just does not work out and you become distant friends. Then some time later they are with a more eloquent younger woman hanging on their arm. It is all about saying, “OK, can we take a breather.” The other person’s reaction to this is telling and will direct your instinct as to whether it is worth investing your time and effort in a relationship with her/him. Sex is an ongoing conversation as far as I am concerned. Do you understand what I am saying. Even with the acts of intimacy and making adjustments throughout it, the conversation of sex makes it a whole lot better. A crucial part of that is dealing with the anxiety as it comes up. The major prerequisite in being in any kind of physical relationship is trust. Without the feeling and acts of trust the relationship will falter and eventually crumble.