UHNW and HNW WOMEN: WHAT IS THE REALITY OF YOUR MENTAL HEALTH STRUGGLES?
facets of you – UHNW WOMEN & MENTAL HEALTH
WHAT IS THE REALITY OF YOUR MENTAL HEALTH STRUGGLES?
Join today’s conversation on the people who are holding out a helping hand to those who are in need of assistance as they struggle with their mental health illness. The conversation will also look at why you as an UHNW or HNW Woman are turning to professional individuals and organisations that have the disposition, skill sets and talents to serve you on your journey through your life struggles. So, how do people facilitate you with your mental health issues, where you are not tip-toeing through uncomfortable discussions? Do you have somebody who is a helping hand at the moment? Do you want a helping hand, or do you feel that you can cope all by yourself through your life struggles? How is this changing who you think or believe that you are?
You are an affluent woman. You are shy or an introvert. Perhaps with low level autism. You live in an affluent home. You live an affluent lifestyle. You have weight fluctuations. You have dietary impulses. Yet now you have to deal with having a mental health disorder and managing how this makes you feel. Warts and all.
CONSIDER THIS: When you were (or are) administered into a mental health clinic or hospital what was (or is) the response from your family, friends, colleagues and associates? What did they do (or are they doing) to help you look forward to things in your life? How are they being there for you in your struggle with a mental health illness? How has this affected your work? How has this affected your day to day life? How has this affected your leisure preparations? How dangerous had your condition become that you had to spend some time in a clinic or hospital?
WITH YOUR PARTICULAR MENTAL HEALTH DISORDER, HOW DID YOUR FAMILY, FRIENDS, COLLEAGUES AND ASSOCIATES RESPOND TO YOU WHEN YOU FIRST TOLD THEM ABOUT BEING DIAGNOSED WITH THE DISORDER?
Client: Denise
Denise: One of the first responses was “Goodness it is always about you. You have so much money and privilege. Why are you not thinking about ‘X’ and their situation at the moment… which is much worse than yours. They are going through a traumatic time right now. You need to realise that there is actually nothing wrong with you. You have everything! Stop being selfish. There are many more people who are much worse off then you.”
WHY DO YOU THINK THAT YOUR FAMILY, FRIENDS, COLLEAGUES AND ASSOCIATES RESPOND IN SUCH A NEGATIVE WAY IN TELLING YOU TO THINK OF OTHERS MORE WORSE OFF THAN YOURSELF?
First of all it is truly unhelpful when people that you know, i.e., family, friends, colleagues and associates react in this manner towards you. You an affluent woman. You an UHNW Woman. You a HNW Woman. Professional in your work. Professional in your company. In private, social and public situations. That you should be going through struggles in your life professionally, socially and privately when people known to you tell you that you are self centred and should be thinking of others who are less fortunate than yourself.
Is it any wonder that you are looking outside of your immediate circle for complete strangers who have the disposition, skill sets and talents to help you without judgement on your situation. That you do not need to tip-toe through uncomfortable conversations because you are shy, or an introvert or have autism.
What I do know is that it can be very challenging emotionally to keep a level head and a coolness, or a detachment, in the response that you do make. Your blood could be boiling, your heart could be beating faster, you could have hot tears at the back of your eyes, you could have a rage in your body to hit back at the unforgiving responses from people whom you thought understood you. Yet, you know that you have to remain calm and collected. So it can be quite difficult to find the right words to say with a calm, clear tone in your voice. That is the reaction that you are looking for.
Client: Denise
Denise: A business colleague was saying to me that I was over reacting, that I was being emotional and that there was nothing wrong with me. Merely me being melodramatic and if I could not stand the heat of business then I should get out and let someone else take over. I felt incredibly derogated. I was basically being told to grow some balls and get on with business.
AS A FRIEND HOW DO YOU REACT TO THE NEWS THAT YOUR FRIEND IS STRUGGLING WITH MENTAL HEALTH? WHAT IS THE REALITY OF THIS FOR YOU?
Friend: Birgit
Birgit: My first instinct was to gush out “I am so sorry. I should have been there for you. I just did not know.”
Client: Sophie
Sophie: I remember thinking how strange, how emotional. I remember her tears of sadness or guilt for not being there for me. But she had no reason to feel guilty. I remember Birgit saying “I will be there for you if you let me. We shall get through this together.” I was touched by this. It was a bit much to take in, but I appreciated the sentiment. I had no idea how much I was cared for or even loved by Birgit. This was one side of her character that I never knew about.
Friend: Birgit
Birgit: To be honest I felt embarrassed. I had no idea that I would react in such a way. My friend had just told me about her mental health situation and a traumatic issue; which she had kept hidden from me. I was just of the opinion that she was not going to be alone again. That I would be a constant in her life regardless of where I was in the world. In addition, she also spoke to me about the other people that had less favourable things to say to her when she disclosed her mental health issue to them. Not good.
Client: Sophie
Sophie: Several years ago I used to work for a major international entertainment company. As a part of the job I had to attend social events and have conversations with a bunch of people that I would not look twice at on the street. But these people had power and presence, so I had to socialise with them for work purposes. I always had to prepare myself to deal with the events. To put on a show of someone that I was not. It was exhausting. It was draining. I just wanted to get home to my lovely flat and shut out the world. One of the things that I liked to do was arrange small intimate dinner parties with friends or go out to other dinner parties. I loved being with gregarious people. International people. People loved being around me and in my company. It was as though I had an alter ego. People loved this side of me. Over time it becomes hard to keep up the pretence. I was beginning to see the darker side of the industry people and their hangers-on. The cheap women and men, the drug taking, the excessive alcohol, the sexual encounters that people were partaking in, so on and so forth. It was all wearing me down being around such people. The company began to go through a restructuring so that was an opportunity for me to leave the toxic; but highly paid, position and work for a smaller rival company. The years took its toll of living the high life that something had to snap and the past came hurtling forward. My childhood past came hurtling forward. That was the breakout of my mental health issues. My family and friends loved my high profile role in these international companies, they loved the inside stories, the free tickets to events, the perks of the job.
I had a mental health crash and I needed to spend some time in a clinic. Quite a lengthy time. After all, I had been keeping much suppressed since my childhood. Music was the thing that kept me alive inside. That kept me going. But I really needed the right type of people in my life to speak to. To get better with and through. So I took a gamble on telling Birgit. It paid off. Hugely. Normality began to instil itself more resolutely in my life. Fresh, clean, new. I made new friends and signed up to new coaching and treatments that dealt with the internal aspects of my life and the impacts of the external aspects of my life. Life/work balance. I had a reboot to a healthy normal lifestyle again.
So even when many things are changing around you, simply having a ‘normal’ friend can work wonders in your stability. The friend is there with you on the life journey that you are struggling with. I may have been in a clinic and kept myself to myself most times at home, but this was only because I began to recognise that many things were not the same around me any more, except for my friendship with Birgit.
Friend: Birgit
Birgit: As far as I was concerned when I visited Sophie at the clinic I had the mindset that I was visiting her at a boutique hotel and this hotel coincidentally had nurses and other professionals working at it.
Client: Sophie
Sophie: With adverse changes in society; professionally and socially, there seems to be this tornado swirling of disorder. It is in this disorder that I need something normal and stable. This is crucial for me on my journey. Professionally. Socially. Privately. Know that Birgit and a handful of others are a part of the stablising normality that I must have in my life right now.
The reality of this is that I have learned that there is only one tip that I will hand over to anyone who is looking to be a real, true helpful aid to someone’s mental health illness journey, it is this. Just be yourself. Just be your genuine self. Your normal self. That is it. Simple. For those that want to be a real trusted friend to someone who has a mental health illness, please understand that they are essentially the same person, but they are going through a different set of life circumstances that has disrupted their life and can no longer be ignored.
FROM YOUR EXPERIENCES HOW HAVE FAMILY, FRIENDS, COLLEAGUES OR ASSOCIATES TRIED TO DEROGATE YOU?
Client: Naomi
Naomi: “Stop worrying about it, you are fine. Just come out more with us for lunch and dinner, you shall feel better for it. You just need to get out more. You are worrying over nothing.”
Client: Sharon
Sharon: “You are the breadwinner of the family you do not have time for a breakdown. Pull yourself together and just get on with it. Stop being foolish.”
Client: Anna Maria
Anna Maria: I have had a relative saying to me “You are such a drama queen. Always thinking of yourself. Selfish. That is what you are.”
Client: Elsa
Elsa: My partner shouting at me, “Get on with it!”
Client: Cassandra
Cassandra: “People with mental health problems are retards. They are crazy. I do not socialise with retards. You need to pull yourself together.”
Many people go through this reality or something very close to it when they experience a mental health disorder and are seeking support from those close to them. What most people do not realise is that the family, friends, colleagues and associates who say nothing, are afraid of saying something in error in order to understand mental health. In fact many people are silent and say nothing at all.
Consultant Therapist: Annette
Annette: It is incredibly common for us all; family, friends, colleagues and associates, to get entangled in the mind with unnecessary mind chatter consisting of “I know that if I open my mouth and state exactly what I want to say, then this is going to be a consequence of something happening”. Or, “If I do this… (blah, blah, blah or deep sigh)”
In actuality, the best option is to be open and be honest. However challenging it feels, simply ask. In generality, family, friends, colleagues and associates are not the problem solvers. The first thing that someone suffering from a mental health disorder is looking for is help. You are not looking for someone in-house, i.e., family and friends, plus work colleagues and associates, to come up with all the solutions of the mental health disorder. The situation for you seeking help is not for someone; whether it be a family member, friend, colleague or associate, to do the problem solving. As someone suffering from a mental health disorder you are simply waiting for someone to say to you “What can I do?” At least from there you are starting the conversation to enable some sort of support. Or, on your search for help seeking a support system that resonates with you and says “This is what I/we can do for you to help you on your journey.”
As a family member, friend, colleague or associate, what you do not want to be is a hindrance in the support network of someone struggling with a mental health disorder. Yes, you want to help. The feeling of wanting to help is genuine, but in the strive for helping someone with a mental health disorder it can come across as a rush of smothering. A tidal wave of help, control and intrusion. Wanting to put someone back together again, or ‘fix’ someone, when you do not comprehend the scope of the mental health disorder and do not have the basic skill sets to help, can impact the person going through the struggle.
You need to be able to listen without prejudice. You need to be able to listen without judgement. It is OK to say “Tell me what I can do to help you.” All that you can do, is to accompany the journey with the person struggling. To make the journey, but not to indulge in the struggle. To be the candle or the mirror reflecting the candlelight on the journey, but not to indulge in the darkness. You act as a parallel guide of support along the journey. Another way of looking at it is to think of the journey with a dolphin. You are the dolphin and you swim beside the individual with the mental health disorder. Gently guiding with a small helpful nudge along the journey. That is it. That is your role. That is your help. That is your consistency for however long that the journey takes. There is no quick fix to the help.
Everyone has a different experience from their diagnosis. No two clients with mental health disorders will experience the exact same experiences. There are many variables in a client’s life for it to be the exact same as another client. They can be similar in some aspects but never exact. I do not believe that the experiences can be exact. I acknowledge that openly to clients. I have talked to many clients and professionals who have suffered from mental health issues. I am of the opinion that every individual has a unique experience. A different experience.
It is possible that each and every one of us on this planet can say something that will upset and trigger somebody. For example the word ‘season’ could be upsetting to somebody. It could have the propensity to trigger somebody for whatever reason that may be. As individuals, for each and every one of us, there is always something that might trigger us and by that reckoning can cause each and every one of us anguish or distress. Yet we would have progressed enough through a therapy to have learned to manage and to say the trigger word ‘season’, or any other trigger word associated to us, in order to live a reasonably good life. It is all about management of our agitations, attitudes, inclinations, etc., in our lives. Taking responsibility of the management of our own life with the trigger word.
FROM YOUR EXPERIENCES HOW HAVE FAMILY, FRIENDS, COLLEAGUES OR ASSOCIATES HELPED YOU?
Client: Paula
Paula: Simply put I like it when someone has been honest and open and said to me “I do not really understand your mental health situation and what you are experiencing, but I am here for you.” There is no Aladdin’s lamp and a magic genie to fix everything. For me it is all about the person’s behaviour and way that they are speaking to me. Their acceptance of me as an individual and what I am going through in my current situation with a mental health disorder.
Client: Naomi
Naomi: “Let me help you if I may through your struggles with mental health. In your own time, at your own pace” “I do not know how I can help you, but I would like to be there for you as you are struggling in life with your illness. There is no rush.”
Client: Sharon
Sharon: I have had someone say to me “I want you to know that I understand that you are up against things. That you have some sort of malevolence in your life, that has manifested in ways that you currently find as a hindrance to your well-being and life balance. You are trying to deal with the issues that a multitude of other individuals who have merely skimmed anxiety or depression would not be able to go through, justifiably finding the situation hard in what you are going through. So for that you are indeed an incredible person. You are special. You are amazing. You have great inner strength. I am there if you need me.”
Client: Anna Maria
Anna Maria: I have individuals in my life that are a real help. In going through a panic attack they know that it is a tough time for me. Just by them acknowledging the thing that I am going through is support enough and helpful to me. They acknowledge my condition and listen without judgement.
Client: Elsa
Elsa: I have a small support system to help me with my life journey struggles. A small team of people who in essence are helping me through various means with my best intentions at the forefront. I do have a therapist, but the others that help me help me to be grounded, help me to find clarity and inner peace; a stillness, help me as I go through an emotional roller coaster. They are not there to stick me back together again, they understand that. They are there to help in the journey of my well-being and work/life balance. This is important to me on this journey with my struggles.
Client: Cassandra
Cassandra: It takes a lot to make me smile or laugh when I am going through hard times with the mental health struggles. There are only two people who make the dark in my life become lighter with a measure of amusement to assist in lightening the dark cloud over me with the struggles of life. One is a partner the other is another member of my support team. They do not make fun of my condition. They just retell a story or show a video of something that I like to look at that makes me happy. It makes me genuinely smile and it is the genuine smiling that I miss doing on most days. My default expression is expressionless. In general company with others when I smile, the smile is empty.
HOW DO YOU FIND THE PEOPLE THAT CAN HELP YOU WHEN YOU ARE STRUGGLING?
In essence the more variety of help and guidance that there is available for you, the better. There is indeed someone or a team of people that you can have communication with that can act as your ‘dolphin’. A dolphin that can swim with you on your journey with your life struggles and give you a gentle nudge when you get off track.
A real helping person is someone who attempts to try and comprehend what someone with a mental health disorder is going through in their life. Professionally. Socially. Privately. The experiences of various people that have the propensity to aid those who are struggling with their life is wide and varied. The experience could simply be listening and understanding.
Client: Sophie
Sophie: What works for me is trust and understanding. Even if the support team that I have around in my life have not been through what I have experienced, or someone else in a counselling group has had a same diagnosis, you must all know that mental health illness clients do not suffer from the same thing. Additionally, what has truly worked for me is understanding what each part of my mental health disorder means for me in my life, in the here and now. Specific to me.
Everything that other clients experience is fine. Because that is just how it is. Through my therapy I understand that is it acceptable to experience each mental health disorder in different ways. When you are going through these experiences and things are changing around you, you really need a normal friend. A normal team of people in your life to help you move on in a good way in your life. When I am in a clinic it is not home, but seeing my friend Birgit or speaking with her online or over the telephone makes me feel more comfortable and normal. It is not only Birgit, but the other important people that I have chosen to be with me in my life who also support me and are there for me. That I can reach out to them online or on the telephone. Each of them has a part to play and each part that they play helps my journey.
Friend: Birgit
Birgit: What works for me is the connection that I have with Sophie. The bond. The communication. The trust. The escape mechanism that she needs on the journey. The safe haven. The success of each part of the journey.
